Effectively communicating with aging family members makes for happier, more relaxed visits. Think about yourself as an older person and how you’d like to be treated.

1. Put the cell phone aside or on mute while visiting.

Do not check it for at least half an hour, though preferably never during a visit. They will be aware if it seems like a duty or rushed visit, so avoid checking email, texts or making calls.

Plan a relaxed visit once weekly rather than a hurried one twice a week. If not living close by or out of state, call at a prearranged time preferably to prevent rushing to the phone. Avoid saying “I don’t have much time to talk” because they know you are busy.

3. Touch

They may no longer have a hand to hold, or an arm around their shoulder. If they like hugs, slow down to hug warmly on arrival. If a parent has died, the survivor has lost that reassuring squeeze of a hand or hug.

4. Listen

Pay attention to what they say before offering an opinion. If concerned about health issues, bring to mind that they come from a generation when health and financial issues were kept private. They will hide any concerns if we don’t listen.

5. Be aware of possible vision or hearing decline

If seated, sit at a similar height. Do not call or ask a question from another room; they may not need a hearing aid yet but their hearing ability has declined. If hearing is an issue, stay within sight when talking; they may not hear if you are moving around.

6. Do not talk about them as if they are not present

Do not discuss issues, or make major decisions on their behalf without their participation in the conversation. The exception may be if they are in serious cognitive decline or have other serious medical conditions.

7. Be aware of the role reversal

Advice may be well meaning, but not if it’s coming from children they raised. The majority of older adults, irrespective of age, resent being told they need help. Elders tell us that the role reversal with adult children can be difficult for them to accept.

8. Do not rush change

Decisions about life changes take time to accept, so begin discussions before there’s an emergency. Ask, make suggestions, be patient, listen to objections. Keep in mind that professional support will reassure a parent when accepting change.